Happy Friday! It’s another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!
Aries (The Ram): Barefoot through the glass again, naked and not what you’d call sober, and you wonder why you can’t get a Top Secret security clearance. Don’t just stand there bleeding, fool – call the ambulance.
Taurus (The Bull): This week you will find that fountain you’ve been looking for all your life. You will throw the lucky penny you’ve been carrying around for the last 17 years into that fountain, in the center pool with a nice plunk of a splash, making the one true wish of your heart. It won’t come true. Your high-risk disease this week: Cellulitis.
Gemini (The Twins): You should really consider getting outside and walking more. Mind you, it’s colder than a, well, it’s very cold.
Cancer (The Crab): You will be forced into a new project in the office this week, involving HSPD-12, which will doom your career since everyone knows that will never work. You will become bitter and angry – and that’s just by Wednesday. Your high-risk disease this week: Leishmaniasis.
Leo (The Lion): As an old school techie, you will be embarrassed this week when you try to access /usr/bin/xzy&eh*if-sig_fault9/ but instead go to /usr/bin/xzy&fh*if-sig_fault9/, causing a hole to open in the space-time continuum that can only be closed with the blood of a brindle calf harvested in pale moonlight. Good thing you keep that sort of thing in the fridge.
Virgo (The Virgin): Far from the gathering crowds, you’ll watch from a distance as all the rest of the people you work with discuss the future this week. But you won’t care. Deep within you, the tortured soul of the artist you long to become will burst forth in a brightly colored collage of light, music, and some kind of yellow gunk. Your high-risk disease this week: Chagas Disease.
Libra (The Scale): On Tuesday, you’ll realize that you can’t find your umbrella. On Wednesday, you’ll remember where you left it, and why you left it there. When you see it again on Thursday, you’ll deny it was ever yours and pretend you don’t know the person holding it.
Scorpio (The Scorpion): You’ve been working too hard. You should take at least 3 or 4 minutes off this week – you can probably schedule that for Wednesday. Your high-risk disease this week: Zygomycosis.
Sagittarius (The Archer): It’s training, training, training this week, and while you don’t know what you’re training for, you know you’re going to compete in something soon. This week, pain is gain – feel the burn.
Capricorn (The Sea-Goat): You outdoor plans will change from canoeing to hiking to skiing, all in the space of 2 hours this week. Bring your parka, it’s cold out there. Better yet, stay inside and pour yourself another Scotch. Your high-risk disease this week: Chancroid Haemophilus.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): They say the pen is mightier than the sword, and you’re going to have that proved for you this week. Well, not the pen so much as the word processor, and not because words cut deeper than knives, but because a word processor when thrown out a 5th floor window will achieve a speed just faster than 62 miles an hour before it hits the ground just inn front of you, missing your head by inches.
Pisces (The Fish): This is a good week for taking your medicine as prescribed. You really can sleep when you’re dead – get back to work. Your high-risk disease this week: Mumps.