Happy Black Friday! In the unlikely event that you are not still zonked out in a tryptophan coma, this is your weekly chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!
Aries (The Ram): You will be crushed beneath hoards of Wal-Mart shoppers looking to score the last few televisions advertised at prices usually seen at 7-11 or as typographical errors. Your high-risk disease this week: Listeria.
Taurus (The Bull): Having overeaten yesterday, your gut will finally rebel against its perceived enemy, your stomach, and you will regret the very day you were born, to say nothing of the day you ate all that turkey, which wasn’t really the problem, was it? It was the “oh, don’t worry, there’s more in the kitchen” cheesy casserole, of which there wasn’t really any more in the kitchen, because you single handedly ate the entire second dish by yourself, didn’t you? That’s what did it.
Gemini (The Twins): You will be gently nudged as you stand in line to shop the “sales” at Nordstroms on Black Friday, which they call “Friday.” Your high-risk disease this week: Helicobacter.
Cancer (The Crab): Good news – you will not lose more than a single limb in the scrum of bodies fighting over that stack of discount Starbucks gift cards. You don’t even drink coffee – you just can’t resist the word “sale,” can you?
Leo (The Lion): You will be physically overcome with cheer and good will as you listen to yet another motorcycle rigged up to play “Jingle Bells” out of the tailpipes. Don’t worry, you’ll get over it. Your high-risk disease this week: Kawasaki Disease.
Virgo (The Virgin): Libra plays a big role in your life this week as you fall in love with a girl with beautiful brown hair all the way down her back. None on her head, just down her back. Hey, love doesn’t judge.
Libra (The Scale): Virgo plays a big role in your life this week. Time to break out the wig and glasses – lands them every time, doesn’t it? Your high-risk disease this week: Gonorrhea.
Scorpio (The Scorpion): Your week will involve planning and executing many things, but you’re going to have to “take that guy who keeps pissing me off” off your list. You’re not allowed to just execute everyone who makes you mad, I’m afraid.
Sagittarius (The Archer): Your week will be consumed with planning and cooking for an upcoming celebration, if you can block out the all-Christmas-all-the-time montage of noise from the outside world. Good luck. Your high-risk disease this week: Colorado Tick Fever.
Capricorn (The Sea-Goat): This week, you will get a phone call that will change your life. Unfortunately, it’s from the clinic.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): By Thursday, you will have lost all powers of speech, but your friends and family will assume that you’ve found a cure for your Tourettes. You will be reduced to spelling out messages with the cookie cutters and baking the dough into sentences. Your high-risk disease this week: Clonorchiasis.
Pisces (The Fish): You haven’t even finished digesting that turkey and already you’re prepared to turn off the Christmas music with the .45. You’re not going to enjoy this, are you?