Here we are, another Friday, and it’s answer time at the ManFAQ. Once again I don my manly mantle as Sage of the Sexes, helping demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler, as we add to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years. Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man.
What could go wrong?
Question: My husband was complaining about the large conference area in his office; it seats around 100 people, but the men’s room only has a single urinal. I asked him why you guys can’t double up on a urinal, and he looked at me like I’d suggested he kiss the other guy on the mouth. What’s the big deal?
Answer: I’ll concede that we’re built in such a fashion that you would think this would be feasible. But it isn’t.
Many years ago, I read a brilliant essay concerning universal rules. One of those rules concerned the men’s room, and the fact that you DON’T LOOK AT WHAT THE OTHER GUY IS DOING. You mind, as it were, your own business. You hope he’s doing the same thing you’re doing, but you don’t look over to check. It’s just not done.
Even in restrooms that maximize what I will call urinary efficiency, which cover an entire wall with porcelain and add a few waterfalls here and there, we men will stand in reasonably close quarters to do what we need to do – but we do not cross the streams. It’s not that all life as we know it would stop instantaneously or that every molecule in our body would explode at the speed of light, but still – it’s just not done. Part of this is about ownership – men and dogs still mark their territory this way, and to actively cross the stream of another guy is to say, “that’s not yours, I deny your claim, this is mine now,” which is not usually a conversation you want to have with a stranger with your dick in your hand. Most of us haven’t played “who’s is bigger” since that time in 2nd grade when the – you know what, never mind that. It’s not done, is the point.
We’re not in stalls, waiting our turn. When we’re standing up, we’re out there in public, hanging it out for the public eye. There is – I’m told – some degree of insecurity there for some guys. (I, of course, have the opposite issue, and wait my turn for privacy as a public service so as to make sure not to embarrass lesser men.) So why do we not, would we not, can we not share a single urinal? I’ve given you universal rules, social mores, and privacy concerns. Let’s discuss the clincher.
You’ve probably, at one point or another, been around a bathroom that has been used by a standing man. What did you do? You cleaned it up, didn’t you? We’ve covered this before here at the ManFAQ, but it bears repeating: We have lousy aim. Now, would YOU want to stand anywhere near the line of fire when Johnny over there opens up? I just got these Ferragamos polished, baby – if he pees on them, I’m going to have to sweep the leg in retaliation. It’s just not pretty. So it’s just not done.
Now you know. Please, feel free to comment! Also, forward any questions you’d like answered to BUMD – at – biguglymandoll.com! As always, your anonymity is guaranteed!